“I am an ecosystem”

“It is in the open water where we grow, under the watchful care of the live oak trees that surround us. The sun filters through their leaves and we luminesce. It begins each time my feet let go of the limestone shore below me, and I stretch my body into long strokes of movement. As I do, the unrelenting nausea abates. 

Laying belly down in the water, in absolute submission, I feel quite right for a spell. Fluttering my feet, your kicks quiet as mine pick up. I picture you exhaling the bubbles that trail behind me as I rock you to sleep. Splash, pull, breathe. Splash, pull. Splash, pull. Splash, pull, breathe. A lullaby I sing to us both.

The emerald-green water cradles my growing body on every visit. As the temperatures drop into the winter season, I picture you warm inside, clinging to me like a starfish. In the dense fog on the water, the necks of cormorants twist up towards the sky overhead. For a moment, I wonder if they are human arms lifting from another swimmer, stroking through this fantastical scene. But soon I recognize, it is just us: me, you, and the cormorants….

I imagine your growth within me as I watch my own nine-month time-lapse. Out of sight, your cells multiply exponentially. Once microscopic, you grow in weight each day. Your features come into shape, the early beginnings of your profile. Organs form and your heartbeat begins to whoosh at a speed that makes me breathless. I am an ecosystem….”

Cate’s essay is one of 52 essays, poems, and stories in the current issue of Deep Wild: Writing from the Backcountry. For more info, visit deepwildjournal.com